From Don Frye’s disgustingly awesome Tom Selleck-esque stache to Pat Healy’s glorious man beard, the world of mixed martial arts is no stranger to pretty epic facial hair.
So, in honor of No Shave November and in Memorium of the recent loss of what, until now, I thought was a furry woodland creature growing on Quest GM Scott McKendry’s mug, I found it absolutely necessary to utilize my talents as a beard connoisseur to create the following list of epic MMA beards.
A compilation of the good, the bad, the ugly … and Anderson Silva.
Because I really can’t make fun of him enough.
Court McGee – The “Brother Jedidiah” Beard
I typically would not condone ever sporting a beard like that of Court McGee – but, because he’s a great fighter and a stand-up guy, I’ll give him a pass.
And by that I mean: I will shamelessly poke a bit of fun at him for rocking a beard that resembles both a mountain goat and an Elder in an Amish-only community.
And I would know.
I saw two Amish people in an electronics store today.
Evan Tanner – The “Epitome of a Man” Beard
There were so many things about the late Evan Tanner that were just magnetic.
He had a unique charisma and an even more unique way of viewing the world around him.
He was an extremely gifted athlete, a highly determined individual and a very kind man – on top of that, his beard was about as epic as beards can come.
Full and unkempt in the manliest of ways, Evan’s beard was a strange and inexplicable mixture of dirt and mountain mannish sex appeal.
Not to mention, he kinda looks like he would have smelled of Sex Panther.
Joe Rogan – The “I Wish I Were A Fighter” Beard
You know the old adage “if you cannot do, teach?”
Well, if you cannot do, and you cannot teach, you apparently commentate and make moderately funny remarks about a variety of mixed martial arts topics, such as Diamond compression shorts and junk grazes.
Ok, so maybe including Joe in this list isn’t really about his beard/five o’clock shadow hybrid, it’s more about the fact that he’s ridiculous.
And I mean that in a purely loving way.
Kimbo Slice – The “Santa Claus” Beard
Former football player turned mixed martial artist turned professional boxer, Kimbo Slice has had a career full of constant change.
But one thing has remained constant …
His Santa Claus-esque beard.
As if the prospect of a sizable, bearded man in a red velvet suit sneaking into your home late at night was not already frightening enough.
Andrei Arlovski – The “Gentleman’s” Beard
Andrei Arlovski has come a long way from his stint as the wild, sweaty, hairy, beastly UFC Heavyweight Champion, and while the direction his career has taken is not necessarily ideal, the direction his appearance has taken is [in Borat voice] very niiiiiice.
Andrei is always an image of pure class and style – from his custom-fit suits to his impeccably groomed beard.
Unfortunately said beard isn’t made of steel like the rest of Andrei’s body, and he has had quite a few run ins with the sandman lately, taking naps in UFC, Affliction and Strikeforce.
Well … at least he looks good doing it.
Tank Abbott – The “IDGAF” Beard
Tank Abbott is a pretty frightening man.
I’m not entirely sure if it’s his menacing posture, ice-cold stare, physical prowess, or the fact that he looks like he would have no problem beating you senseless with a lead pipe and then abandoning you, naked and in the middle of the desert – but the six-inch “I don’t give a F***” goatee that hangs from his chin certainly doesn’t hurt Tank’s fearsome image.
Now, the fact that he so enjoys martinis, on the other hand … well … that might.
Chad Griggs – The “Git-R-Done” Beard
Ok, ok – so maybe Chad Griggs doesn’t technically have a full beard … but he has some gnarly muttonchops that put those of every inmate south of the Mason-Dixon line to shame, earning him the right to be honorably included in this countdown.
And that’s not to mention, that, weighing in at over 235 pounds and standing at over six feet tall, Chad is a beastly man who, from the looks of him, I imagine smells like Nascar fuel, cheap tobacco and Bud Light.
Then again, those redneck-ish chops could be throwing me off.
Cody McKenzie – The “Monsieur” Beard
There are very few things that I am legitimately creeped out by:
And Cody McKenzie.
Perhaps it is the fact that the isosceles triangle goatee and curled mustache combo cause him to look as he stepped straight out of the French Renaissance and into the Octagon, or I suppose it could be his awkwardly pink nipples.
But definitely some epic facial hair.
Brock Lesnar – The “Flesh” Beard
Though I still personally consider Brock Lesnar to be one of the most frustrating and unlikable individuals I have ever had the misfortune of cohabitating the planet with, I do have to admit that, while smiling and up close and personal, he could potentially look charming to a blind person.
Particularly when sporting a beard.
While, in most circumstances, I would never advise the growth of a flesh-colored beard, there is something about it that warms up Brocky Poo’s face and softens the intensity of his extreme flat top, high-and-tight hair-don’t.
Plus, “The Flesh-Bearded Former Champion” is kind of fun to say.
Anderson Silva – The “I Wish I Could Grow a Beard” Beard
There are many things that Anderson Silva is known for.
His impressive UFC and professional MMA records.
His (soon to be concluded, I hope) stint as the UFC Middleweight Champion.
His highlight reel foot-to-face knock out of Vitor Belfort.
His strange friendships with Steven Seagal and Justin Bieber.
And now, his … beard?
As you can barely see in the above photo, Anderson Silva’s beard looks like something Justin Bieber could grow – a pencil thin line of hair that is more than likely drawn on with eyeliner.
Thus, I am still not fully convinced he can actually grow a beard.
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